Day 5: Love is not Rude

"Ask your spouse to tell you three things that cause him or her to be uncomfortable or irritated with you. You must do so without attacking them or justifying your behavior. This is from their perspective only."


Since Jay does not know I am "doing the dare" this type of questioning was sure to raise an eyebrow. Or two. Oh well, here's how it went down:


Me: I've been watching how couples interact lately, and I was curious - is there anything I do that makes you uncomfortable or irritated with me?


Jay: ...


He was looking at me like I'd asked one of those unanswerable questions. You know, like, "Do these jeans make my butt look big?" For the record, I do not ask such questions. But the look was what I would expect to get if I did.


Me: No, it's ok. I'm asking. I really want to know.


Jay: Well, I bet you could come up with a quick list for me, huh?


Me: No. But I'm asking you. Is there anything I do that makes you uncomfortable? Because if I do, I'd like to know so I can stop.


Jay: Not anymore.


Me: ... (thinking - well, obviously I used to.)


Jay: I didn't like it when you used to yell at me in front of other people. But you haven't done that in probably 15 years. Other than that, I can't think of anything.


Me: Maybe you just need some more time to think about it.


Jay: No, that was it, and I really like it when you take initiative on something that needs to be done rather than waiting on me to do it.


Me: Okay, if you're sure, and I'm sorry about that.


Ouch. I do remember when we were first married that there were a couple of times that I got mad about this or that (can't even remember because it was probably very insignificant) and would speak my peace RIGHT THEN when I should have had the wisdom and respect to wait until we got home. Blame it on immaturity? Disrespect? Lack of self-control? I don't know, but I now know how uncomfortable it must have made him feel because I know how awkward it is for spectators as well. Nobody wants to witness that. There have been times since then that I have been witness to an angry wife letting her husband have it for something or another or a husband expressing his dislike over something his wife did, and I would seriously want the floor to open up and swallow me. Or them. Truly, unless you are sitting across the desk from a counselor, save the public disputes for behind closed doors.


Are there some things that Jay does that bug me? Maybe. Are there some things I do that bug him? Oh yeah, I know there must be, but we've grown to a place in our marriage where things are pretty well in perspective. It doesn't mean we never get annoyed. It just means that the small stuff is usually not worth battling over.


"People who use good etiquette tend to raise the respect level of the environment around them."


That was worth including. It is so true.


"For the most part, the etiquette you use at home is much different than the kind you employ with friends, or even with total strangers. You may be barking or pouting around the house, but if the front door chimes, you open it all smiling and kind..."


Ouch. I have been guilty of this. It's not fair to Jay or the kids. I should be treating my family better than strangers, for pete's sake.


"Here are three guiding principles when it comes to practicing etiquette in your marriage:

1. Guard the Golden Rule. Treat your mate the same way you want to be treated.
2. No double standards. Be as considerate to your spouse as you are to strangers and coworkers.
3.Honor requests. Consider what your husband or wife already asked you to do or not do. If in doubt, then ask."


Dear God, thank you for loving me when I'm unloveable. With your help, I commit to treating Jay and the kids with the utmost honor and respect and to make them feel valued and loved at home and in the presence of others. In Jesus' name, Amen.